Did They Gaslight You, or Just Disagree? Navigating the Overuse of Therapy Language in Everyday Life

Therapy terms like "gaslighting," "trauma," and "toxic" have slipped into everyday conversations. While the growing awareness of mental health and emotional well-being is undoubtedly positive, it's important to ask: how does this impact our interactions and are we using these words correctly? More and more, people are labeling simple disagreements or uncomfortable feelings with heavy, clinical terms like "gaslighting." But is every conflict a case of emotional abuse, or could it just be a difference in opinion? Let’s unpack the distinction between gaslighting and disagreement and explore how the overuse of therapy language can affect our relationships.

What Is Gaslighting?

Let’s start with the definition of gaslighting because it’s crucial to understand the gravity of this term. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person attempts to make another question their own reality, memory, or perception. The goal is to gain control or power over the other person by causing them to doubt themselves to the point of losing trust in their own judgment.

This term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her sanity by dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying that the lights are flickering at all. Over time, his constant denial of her reality wears her down to the point where she starts doubting her perception and begins to question her own sanity.

Gaslighting is not a disagreement, a difference of opinion, or even a heated argument. It is a calculated form of emotional abuse designed to make the other person feel disoriented, confused, and unsure of themselves. True gaslighting is insidious, and it has a long-lasting, harmful impact on the victim.

Disagreement vs. Gaslighting: The Key Differences

Now that we know what gaslighting is, let’s clarify how it differs from a disagreement.

1. Intentions Matter: In gaslighting, the abuser’s intent is to destabilize your sense of reality. They aim to confuse or manipulate you to gain control. In a disagreement, two people may have different viewpoints, but neither is intentionally trying to make the other doubt their own sanity or experience.

   
   

2. Control and Power: Gaslighting is often about gaining power over someone. It’s manipulative and has an emotional agenda behind it. Disagreements, on the other hand, are normal in any relationship. Disagreeing with someone doesn’t inherently involve trying to exert control over them.

   
   

3. Impact Over Time: Gaslighting doesn’t happen in one isolated incident. It’s a pattern of behavior that, over time, leads the victim to question their entire sense of reality. A disagreement might be upsetting in the moment, but it doesn’t lead to long-term self-doubt or confusion about what’s real.

   
   

4. Communication Breakdown vs. Emotional Abuse: Disagreements are part of healthy communication. When two people share different perspectives, they are engaging in dialogue. In a gaslighting situation, there’s no real dialogue happening—one person is systematically invalidating the other’s reality.

   
   

Let’s be real: Sometimes, disagreements are heated, frustrating, and emotionally charged. But that doesn’t automatically make them gaslighting.

Why Therapy Language Is Becoming Commonplace

The rise of therapy language in everyday conversation comes from a few places. First, the stigma around mental health is on a significant decline. People feel more comfortable to talk about their emotions, boundaries, and psychological well-being. This is a GREAT thing! Terms like “boundaries,” “self-care,” and “emotional labor” have entered our lexicon, helping many people advocate for their needs in relationships and workplaces.

Second, the internet, especially social media, has played a big role in spreading psychological terms. Platforms like Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter have given therapists and mental health influencers a huge platform to share information. But while a 60-second reel about gaslighting may educate millions of people, it also risks oversimplifying complex ideas.

With so much exposure to these terms, it’s easy for them to become overused or misused. Suddenly, everyone is diagnosing their ex as a narcissist, calling their mom “toxic,” or accusing a friend of gaslighting when, in reality, these situations might not meet the clinical definitions of these terms.

The Dangers of Overusing Therapy Language

The overuse of therapy language can have unintended consequences, including minimizing real trauma and emotional abuse. Here’s why it’s important to be mindful about throwing around terms like “gaslighting,” “trauma,” and “toxic.”

1. Diluting Real Abuse: When we label every disagreement as gaslighting or every uncomfortable situation as "toxic," we dilute the severity of actual emotional abuse. Gaslighting is a deeply harmful, abusive behavior, and labeling minor conflicts this way can undermine the experiences of those who have been through true manipulation and emotional harm.

   
   

2. Avoiding Accountability: Overusing therapy language can become a way to avoid accountability for our own actions. For example, if someone accuses you of hurting their feelings and your immediate response is, “You’re gaslighting me,” it shuts down the conversation. It prevents you from having to reflect on your behavior or engage in healthy conflict resolution.

   
   

3. Strained Relationships: Misusing therapy terms can create unnecessary tension in relationships. If we constantly accuse others of emotional abuse when they’re simply disagreeing with us, we may push away people who could have healthy and meaningful connections with us. Not every uncomfortable emotion is a sign of toxic behavior.

   
   

4. Self-Isolation: Labeling every challenging relationship dynamic as toxic can lead to self-isolation. If we start to see normal human conflict as dangerous or harmful, we might cut ourselves off from relationships that actually require understanding, communication, and compromise rather than complete avoidance.

   
   

Finding Balance: How to Use Therapy Language Responsibly

So, how can we navigate using therapy language in a way that promotes mental health awareness without diluting the meaning of these terms? Here are a few tips:

1. Reserve Therapy Language for Therapy: Remember that terms like "gaslighting" and "trauma" come from the field of psychology. They have specific definitions that are used in the context of therapy to describe real, significant emotional experiences. When you feel confused or upset by someone’s behavior, it’s important to take a step back and assess whether it’s a disagreement or something more manipulative. Not every disagreement is gaslighting, and not every difficult relationship is toxic.

   
   

2. Don’t Self-Diagnose or Diagnose Others: It’s important to leave diagnoses to the professionals. While you can be aware of certain patterns in your relationships, diagnosing someone as a “narcissist” or “gaslighter” can do more harm than good. Therapy terms should be used carefully, especially when describing others.

   
   

3. Focus on Your Feelings: Rather than immediately labeling someone’s behavior as abusive, focus on how it made you feel. For example, you might say, “I felt hurt when you said that,” or “I felt dismissed during our conversation.” This opens the door to dialogue and conflict resolution without jumping to conclusions about the other person’s intentions.

   
   

4. Seek Professional Help: If you feel genuinely confused, manipulated, or hurt in a relationship, it may be worth talking to a therapist about your experiences. A therapist can help you navigate whether what you're experiencing is emotional abuse or whether it's a communication breakdown that could be improved through healthy conflict resolution.

   
   

Conclusion: Disagreeing Doesn’t Mean You’re Being Gaslit

There’s no question that therapy language has helped many people set boundaries, advocate for their mental health, and recognize abusive dynamics. But when terms like "gaslighting" and "toxic" are used in situations where they don’t apply, they lose their power. Not every disagreement is gaslighting, and not every emotionally difficult situation is a sign of a toxic relationship.

The next time you find yourself in conflict, pause before reaching for therapy language. Ask yourself: Is this person truly trying to manipulate me, or do we just see the world differently? Differentiating between the two will not only help protect the integrity of therapy language, but it will also allow you to engage in healthier, more productive relationships.

Need some support to sort out the difference? Reach out for a consultation with one of our therapists today